The white hairs on my head have been increasing in number for years and are now clearly visible against my long brunette locks.  However, I am a woman who has made a conscious choice to not color my graying hair despite the numerous pressures to do otherwise.  You might wonder why I would choose to do that or why my choice is even worth mentioning.  To explain that, I must first describe the pressures to make a different choice.

What pressures?  The blatant, subtle, personal, and generic pressures faced by women in this society to adhere to a narrow standard of beauty—a standard of beauty that reinforces our society’s ageist, racist, sexist, able-ist views.  For example, ads for products provide constant reminders that attempt to convince me that aging is ugly and to be avoided at all costs.  I am told to use formulas that reduce signs of aging, soften skin, make skin firmer-looking, make skin radiant, make skin flawless, keep skin hair-free, eliminate prickle, shave skin smooth, color gray hair, protect artificial hair color, make hair shine, plump hair, plump lips, make lips kissable, make lips outlast, make lips flirty, make eyes look younger, light up eyes, make lashes bold, make lashes flirty, make lashes thick, make lashes perfect, color nails, and smell sensuous.  You may think that this list is over the top, but I compiled it from the ads in one magazine.  Couple this with ads on the radio, television, internet, and billboards, as well as media coverage of the wide array of increasingly popular cosmetic procedures—from botox to surgical lifts—and the message is clear:  I am supposed reject my body as it is and as it naturally changes.

Sometimes people mention the gray hairs on my head as if this is a surprising, shocking, maybe even embarrassing finding.  People tell me as if I don’t know that I have white hairs—because if I did, I would be getting rid of them, of course!  Many—from family members to my ear doctor!—have let me know that my white hair is showing—in the same way that someone might let you know that your slip is showing in years past.  I typically respond with a friendly smile and tell them without a trace of defensiveness that I’m trying to keep up with my husband.  It’s interesting to see how many people then look to my husband (if he’s standing by my side) to see how many gray hairs he’s sporting and whether he is okay with my choice to go au natural with my hair color.  When my husband is not present for the conversation, it’s fascinating to see the changing expressions on people’s faces once I respond so self-confidently to their white-hair indictment.  It’s as if they would like to tell me that graying hair on a man makes him look distinguished and that this is not the case for a woman, but they think such an argument would be lost on me, so they say nothing more about the subject.  Sometimes I feel that I’ve made my point.  Sometimes I’d like the opportunity to call attention to the clear sexism in such a double-standard perspective.

Sometimes the message is in what people do not say.  Before I had accumulated very many gray hairs, people would be surprised by the ages of my children.  They would tell me, “You look too young to have children that age.”  They were right.  Since I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18, and we had our first child 13 months later, I am only 19 years older than our firstborn.  Nevertheless, as the white hairs continued to propagate on my head, the “you don’t look old enough” comments evaporated.  Since the graying hair is my most obvious physical sign of aging, I’m fairly certain that all I would need to do is color my hair, and the “young” comments would return.  The truth is that I miss those comments sometimes—not because I think looking young is an accomplishment but because I am proud of effectively overcoming the challenges that accompany teen marriage and teen parenting.

If I colored my hair, I would also likely attract greater attention from males.  Don’t get me wrong; I do not need or desire more attention of this kind from the opposite sex.  I mention this only because I think that I would be remiss to not mention it as one more way that women are reminded to defy aging, to remain desirable, to be noticed.

Now that I’ve described some of the pressures for coloring gray hair, let me clarify my reasons for not covering up the white strands on my head.  I consciously choose to retain my natural hair color in all its graying glory because coloring my hair supports an industry and ideas of beauty that I believe are mostly harmful.  Women should be appreciated for their knowledge, skills, abilities, and values rather than for their appearance.  One way to encourage women to accept themselves as they are is to accept myself as I am.  My smiling face surrounded by graying locks serves as a reminder that doing something because everybody else is doing it or expects it is not a good enough reason to follow the crowd.  My living a happy, healthy, successful life despite my nonconformance to well-accepted standards of female “beauty” invites others to do the same.